Information for the Accused

While people may sexually harass others in intentional and malicious ways, most cases of sexual harassment are not intentional. Most people do not mean to cause this kind of harm. That’s why it’s so important to understand the specific nature of sexual harassment. 

Sexual harassment is behaviour that is sexual or romantic in nature (including comments or gestures) that is understood to be, or should be understood to be unwelcome. Any reputable employer will not tolerate sexual harassment. Sexual harassment can also be defined as harassment based on sex, gender expression, or sexuality that is not “sexual or romantic” in nature. 

Sexual harassment complaints are complicated because this kind of harm is experienced differently person to person, depending on a wide range of factors, such as a person’s age, gender, culture, race, or ability, and can be experienced by anyone. Some people use sexual harassment as a way to hold power or control over others in harmful ways. Even if you didn’t mean to make someone uncomfortable or if they didn’t say anything at the time, your actions might still be considered harassment. Sexual harassment is often subtle but can include elements of coercion (making victims of harassment do something through force or threats). 

Here are some examples of sexual harassment:

• Sexual or sexist jokes
• Sexually suggestive, demeaning, or disrespectful comments and conversations (often called “locker room talk”)
• Unwanted comments about a person’s sex life, gender identity, body, or sexuality 
• Flirtation
• Showing inappropriate sexual images like pornography where others can see it
• Advances and propositions, especially if the harasser can give or deny a benefit based on how the victim responds to the advance 
• Requests for sexual favors 
• Sending sexual images, texts, or emails 
• Sexually suggestive looks or gestures 
• Demanding dates or sexual favours
• Using language or behaviour that is transphobic, homophobic, or queerphobic in general 
• Unwanted physical proximity 

These are just some examples. Sexual harassment includes any sexual behaviour done without consent that upsets or offends others. Since sexual harassment is experienced differently from person to person, the complaint against you might include something not listed here. 

Sexual cyberbullying can also be considered sexual harassment. Sexual cyberbullying involves using technology to harass or coerce someone in a sexually explicit manner. This can include requesting explicit photos or messages, sending unwanted sexually explicit photos or messages, sharing sexually explicit messages and photos online without consent, and threatening to send private photos online to coerce someone.

It’s also important to know that an allegation of sexual harassment is more serious when the person sexually harassing is in a position of power, trust, or authority. If you are sexually harassing someone and you’re in a position of power, this is considered a breach of trust and can result in serious consequences. 

When someone complains that you have sexually harassed them, it’s important to listen to this allegation and take it seriously. While it can be extremely painful to be accused of this kind of harm, these moments can also be opportunities to learn more about being a respectful community member. 

Intention is our aim, goal, or plan. Intention is where we are coming from when we do things. We control our intentions.

Impact, on the other hand, is often gauged by those around us. Our impact is the effect or influence we have on those around us. We have less control over our impact since people may experience the same situation differently than we did. Everyone has their own perception of what is happening. 

Having good intentions doesn’t guarantee that we will have a positive impact. 

While our intention does matter, we are all responsible for how our actions impact others. It is rare for people to have malicious intent or to act in bad faith. Most people do not mean to cause harm. We all make mistakes. Yet, it can be difficult to fully own our impact. This is sometimes referred to as the intention versus impact gap. This gap refers to people's trouble owning their impact because their intentions were positive and never meant to cause harm. It can be painful to acknowledge that our impact was negative even when our intentions were positive. 

While it isn’t easy, finding responsibility and accountability for our actions is a powerful part of human development.

Think of it this way: if you accidentally knocked someone over, would you deny that the person fell because you didn’t mean to push them? Someone alleges you harmed them, so it’s important to consider their perspective on what happened, not just your own. 

When you read the allegations against you, focus on the impact of the allegations in the statement. Did the person feel uncomfortable? Did the person feel violated? It might feel easy to dispute or deny what happened, but you already have some important information: your actions harmed someone else at work. Can you imagine what they might have felt at the time? Can you imagine a time when you felt uncomfortable and the other person didn’t seem to notice? 

As we’ve shared, it can be very difficult to own our negative impact on others when we didn’t mean to cause harm. If your intentions were good, and you did not mean to sexually harass someone, you can rest easy on this truth. But it’s important to do what you can to repair the situation and move forward. This means owning the impact you had, no matter the good intentions you may have had. 

When you face an allegation of sexual harassment, carefully review any documents your employer gives you during the complaint and investigation process. Generally, taking responsibility is the fastest way to find a resolution and move forward. Be as honest and thoughtful as possible when discussing the accusations. It can be helpful to take a firm stance that you did not mean to cause harm, that you regret your actions, and that you are willing to take steps to make the situation right. Most importantly, offer a sincere apology for your actions. 

Here are some tips for how to offer a meaningful apology:

• Acknowledge the harm you’ve caused 
• Clearly state that you are sorry 
• Acknowledge the impact you’ve had (using specific language you heard from the person who felt sexually harassed) 
• Express sincere remorse and regret
• Name what you will do to make it right, and if the person has made no request harmed, name that you are open to doing what is needed to make it right 
• State your commitment to avoid this from happening again 

For example, try: 

“I understand that my behaviour toward you was inappropriate, and I want you to know how sorry I am. It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable, but I appreciate that this made you feel unsafe and violated in the workplace. I regret my actions and wish that I had been more mindful of how my behaviour impacted you. I’m willing to write you a letter of apology if this is helpful, and welcome any other suggestions you have about what I can do to make this right. I will make sure that this never happens again and have learned to be more considerate when working with others.” 

Avoid saying “I’m sorry but…”, “I’m sorry you…”, or “I’m sorry if…” statements. Avoid centring your own feelings about the situation. Any response that is defensive denies the allegations or avoids responsibility is unlikely to bring you closer to a resolution. 

Most organizations have a sexual harassment policy, and the allegation may require your workplace to do an investigation. Work with your employer to adhere to their process for this complaint. Your manager will outline what documents are needed and what the next steps look like. You may be required to change your behaviour or complete specific tasks in order to repair the situation. 

It’s a sign of health to be responsible and accountable for your actions. Be gentle with yourself and remember: if you feel badly about the situation, it means that your internal moral compass is working well! 

If you sincerely believe that the complaint against you is false or made in bad faith, you have a right to dispute or deny the claims made against you. You can outline this position in your response to the complaint. Consider seeking legal support and read all documentation given to you carefully so you adhere to the process as outlined by your employer.