A parenting plan or parenting court order may cover:

• where the child will live
• each parent’s decision-making responsibilities
• the time the child will spend time with each parent and other important people in the child’s life
• how the children will communicate with one parent when spending time with the other parent
• how the parents will communicate with each other about the child
• who has the right to ask for and get information about the child’s health, education and well-being
• how disputes will be resolved
• rules about relocating with a child.

This is a legal concept about what is best for a child. The law expects parents to make a parenting plan for their child that meets the child’s needs. A parenting plan says who will make decisions for the child and when the child will spend time with each parent. 

Judges base decisions about children on the child’s best interests. Best interests are about a child’s wellbeing. Parents and people who act as parents for a child should work out parenting arrangements based on each child’s needs and how to meet those needs—it is about how to best support the child’s wellbeing. Parents also need to be practical and consider when they are available to look after the child. They must not make decisions about parenting time based on the money they may have to pay or money they may get if the child is in their care. There is no set rule because the parenting plan must be suited for the child. This means that a shared time arrangement is not suitable for every child or every family.

Parents who are working out a parenting plan should think about the types of factors a judge must look at to decide what is best for the child, such as:

• Who took care of the child’s needs before the parents separated? This includes the child’s physical, emotional, social and education needs. For example, who coordinates school and homework? Medical appointments? Extracurricular activities? Is this arrangement working for the child? Is that parent able to do this now? Should the other parent be more involved?
• When was each parent able to care for the child in the past? How is this different now? 
• When is each parent proposing to care for the child? Is this similar to what the child has come to know? What parenting schedule will work for the family now?
• Is each parent willing to support and maintain the child’s relationship with the other parent? If not, then why?
• Do the parents talk about the child’s needs? If not, do they have a plan for how they may talk about issues when they come up? 
• Do the parenting arrangements promote the child’s cultural, language, religious and spiritual upbringing and heritage? 
• What are the child’s wishes, if the child is old enough and it is appropriate. The law gives children a voice, not a choice.
• Is there family violence, including coercive and controlling behaviour, abuse or intimidation? Family violence affects the abused parent’s ability to parent and protect the child. Shared parenting time is not appropriate when there is family violence. Children are hurt by any family violence in their home and experience negative short- and long-term effects. They are hurt when they know that abuse is happening, even if they do not see it themselves. Just because a family separates does not mean that the abuse has stopped. Parents and children who experience abuse are encouraged to talk about their experience. It is best when an abuser acknowledges that they have done wrong and takes steps to improve. It is in everyone’s interest to work together, even when there has been abuse, to protect the child’s wellbeing. Go to legalinfo.org and the Government of Canada’s family violence  HELP toolkit for more information.

Remember that the circumstances of the parents and their children change. Sometimes needs change quickly after a separation. Sometimes plans stay the same for a long time. So it is important to think in stages (for example, what will happen when we separate and what may change after a few months?). You may need to change arrangements as time passes.

If possible, have a temporary plan worked out with the other parent before you speak with your child about the separation. Your child will probably wonder about basics such as:

• where they will live
• if they will continue at the same school 
• when they will see important people in their life
• if they can continue with extracurricular activities. 

These are important to a child’s sense of stability and security. 

You can help with the transition by sharing this kind of information in an age-appropriate way. If you don’t know the answer to a question, be honest and tell the child when you might have more information to share. Remember, this is a time of transition, so you will not know all the details. Every family works through this process differently.

First, plan for the most important day-to-day issues and then move to longer-term arrangements or events later. It generally takes a couple of years or longer to complete the separation process, so do not pressure yourself to have all of the details worked out right away.

Children have better outcomes when their parents and important people in their lives can work together to make sure their basic needs are met. This includes supporting the other parent and important people in their life. 

You should support your child’s extracurricular and other important events. These may occur during your parenting time, which may be frustrating. Before you react to your child’s activity time, think about how participating in activities, parties, or other events will make your child feel and how it impacts their development.

It is important not to say negative things about the other parent or important people in the child’s life. Your child’s day often includes spending time with their parents and other important people, teachers, daycare providers, coaches, and friends. They will have good and bad days in their relationships and want you to support them. 

Children may ask for your help on responding to situations, and you need appropriate answers. It is tough being a child. It becomes tougher when they must hide their feelings or experiences with the other parent from you because you are negative. When you make hurtful comments about the other parent, you also make hurtful comments about your child. They are a part of both of their parents and other important caregivers in their lives. Supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent will reduce the anxiety your child may be feeling. It will also reinforce that you can share and support your child’s experiences, relationships and happiness.  

 It is not healthy to pass blame on to anyone. The old saying “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” is good advice when discussing the other parent or extended family with your children. Try not to place your child in the middle. Don’t ask your child to be a messenger between you and the other parent. Do not discuss information about your financial circumstances and concerns with your child. If you and the other parent are not getting along or it is unsafe for you to have contact, ask a neutral person (such as a family member) to help with transitions and communication.

Children do poorly when they are exposed to violence. This includes verbal abuse and other behaviours. It is important to understand the types of violence people experience, especially when the relationship breaks down.

The law recognizes that family violence is harmful. Parents, legal advisers and judges are required to ask about and consider the impact of family violence. They must find out what children may be exposed to or are experiencing when giving advice or deciding for a child. Reducing family violence must be central to parenting arrangements.

Establishing clear expectations and boundaries around parenting, entering the family home, and using family money is important.

Find a way to communicate with each other that is not intrusive or too frequent. 

Be cautious about texting. Text messaging creates an immediate interruption and an expectation of an immediate response. Parents who receive text messages often feel the other parent is intruding on time with their child or personal time. 

Many separating couples use emails to communicate instead of text messaging, as this helps to maintain a healthy boundary between them. This gives everyone some time to think before responding.

Some children are immediately comfortable with the transition from one to two homes. Other children need time to adjust. A counsellor may help the child talk about their feelings. This can help each parent be supportive when they talk with their child and each other.

Some children have a hard time transitioning. Parents may assume this is because the child doesn’t want to see or spend time with the other parent. But there may be other reasons why the child is struggling. Maybe they have difficulty transitioning between homes, childcare or school. 

Sharing toys and clothing between the two homes is important. Children need to have their belongings with them when they travel, especially a favourite toy or blanket that provides comfort. Don’t try to control your child’s belongings. Listen to what your child’s needs are at this time and do your best to support the simple ones.

Talk to the child’s care providers to see if there are things you can do to make the transitions easier. Talk to a counsellor to help you and your child if things do not improve.

In family law, there is no specific age when a child may choose where they will live or when they will spend time with the other parent.  

Each parent has a duty to make sure the child has a relationship with both parents as long as it is safe and in their best interests. Communicating openly with your child about their feelings, including the parenting arrangements, is important. Remember, a child should never be told to choose between their parents or important caregivers.

Judges will listen to what a child has to say about their parenting arrangements when it is appropriate. Older children should have more input than younger children. In court, a child’s views about their parenting arrangements or what is important to them may be shared through a “voice of the child” report. A child’s voice is sometimes shared outside of court during joint counselling sessions. In child protection cases, a child’s voice is often communicated through a litigation guardian (guardian ad litem) who is appointed by the court.

Learn more about a child's voice here and at nsfamilylaw.ca.

When an older child refuses to see the other parent, counselling is the best option for everyone. A counsellor can help the child identify their feelings and help the parents understand why contact is being refused. A counsellor may suggest strategies to help reconnect a parent and child. Parental alienation is very complex. The reasons a child may refuse to see another parent are not always clear, and there are no easy solutions. Experts in this field strongly recommend counselling.

Parents have a legal obligation to follow court orders. As a parent, refusing to follow a court order or an agreement could result in a fine or even a change to the parenting arrangement. If a parent refuses to permit court-ordered parenting time, the court may place their children with the other parent.

Talk to a lawyer if your child is refusing parenting time or if you have concerns about the child’s safety with the other parent. You may need to ask the parent to take a break from their scheduled parenting time until the reasons for this are sorted. Or, you may need to make an emergency application to the court to ask a judge to make a new order that will keep your child safe.  Go to nsfamilylaw.ca for information about changing a court order (variation application) and emergency applications to the court.

Canada's Department of Justice has two publications to help parents who are dealing with a separation or divorce.

'Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce', covers a range of topics, from parents' emotions in dealing with separation, to what the kids may be experiencing when their parents split, protecting the kids from conflict, and options for putting together the type of parenting plan that may be best in your situation.

The second publication is a 'Parenting Plan Tool' that, together with 'Making Plans', gives practical guidance, including sample clauses and wording, on specific parenting plan issues such as how and who makes decisions about the kids, scheduling parenting time, vacations, childcare, and relocations. It is a good idea to review the parenting plan tool before you use the separation agreement pathway.  If you use the parenting plan tool to make your parenting plan, attach it to your separation agreement.

Both publications are available in English and French, online at:

• Making Plans: canada.justice.gc.ca
• Faire des plans - canada.justice.gc.ca
• Parenting Plan Tool: canada.justice.gc.ca
• Échantillon de clauses pour un plan parental - canada.justice.gc.ca

You will find a list of other parenting resources under Ways to Help My Kids at www.nsfamilylaw.ca

Also check out Families Change, a great web resource for kids, teens and parents dealing with a family break up.