Parenting after separation

Children: The law expects parents to think first about their child—focusing on their best interests. You must meet their basic needs for shelter, food and schooling. Your child must have a safe and healthy relationship with the other parent, siblings and other important people in their lives.

If you separate, it is important to let your child know this in a healthy way. How you present this information and how you speak about the other parent, or important people, can help the transition go better. 

Plans: Remember that the circumstances of the parents and their children change. Sometimes needs change quickly after a separation. Sometimes plans stay the same for a long time. So it is important to think in stages (for example, what will happen when we separate and what may change after a few months?). You may need to change arrangements as time passes.

If possible, have a temporary plan worked out with the other parent before you speak with your child about the separation. Your child will probably wonder about basics such as:

• where they will live
• if they will continue at the same school 
• when they will see important people in their life
• if they can continue with extracurricular activities. 

These are important to a child’s sense of stability and security. 

You can help with the transition by sharing this kind of information in an age-appropriate way. If you don’t know the answer to a question, be honest and tell the child when you might have more information to share. Remember, this is a time of transition, so you will not know all the details. Every family works through this process differently.

First, plan for the most important day-to-day issues and then move to longer-term arrangements or events later. It generally takes a couple of years or longer to complete the separation process, so do not pressure yourself to have all of the details worked out right away.

Children have better outcomes when their parents and important people in their lives can work together to make sure their basic needs are met. This includes supporting the other parent and important people in their life. 

Supporting your child’s activities: You should support your child’s extracurricular and other important events. These may occur during your parenting time, which may be frustrating. Before you react to your child’s activity time, think about how participating in activities, parties, or other events will make your child feel and how it impacts their development. 

Being positive: It is important not to say negative things about the other parent or important people in the child’s life. Your child’s day often includes spending time with their parents and other important people, teachers, daycare providers, coaches and friends. They will have good and bad days in their relationships and want you to support them. 

Emotional support: Children may ask for your help on responding to situations, and you need appropriate answers. It is tough being a child. It becomes tougher when they have to hide their feelings or experiences with the other parent from you because you are negative. When you make hurtful comments about the other parent, you also make hurtful comments about your child. They are a part of both of their parents and other important caregivers in their lives. Supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent will reduce the anxiety your child may be feeling. It will also reinforce that you can share and support your child’s experiences, relationships and happiness.  

Don’t put your child in the middle: It is not healthy to pass blame on to anyone. The old saying “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” is good advice when discussing the other spouse or extended family with your children. Try not to place your child in the middle. Don’t ask your child to be a messenger between you and the other spouse. Do not discuss information about your financial circumstances and concerns with your child. If you and the other parent are not getting along or it is unsafe for you to have contact, ask a neutral person (such as a family member) to help with transitions and communication.

Protecting children from violence: Children do poorly when they are exposed to violence. This includes verbal abuse and other behaviours. It is important to understand the types of violence people experience, especially when the relationship breaks down.

The law recognizes that family violence is harmful. Parents, legal advisers and judges are required to ask about and consider the impact of family violence. They must find out what children may be exposed to or are experiencing when giving advice or deciding for a child. Reducing family violence will be included in the parenting arrangements.

Setting boundaries: Establishing clear expectations and boundaries around parenting, entering the family home, and using family money is important.

Find a way to communicate with each other that is not intrusive or too frequent. 

Be cautious about texting. Text messaging creates an immediate interruption and an expectation of an immediate response. Parents who receive text messages often feel the other parent is intruding on time with their child or personal time. 

Many separating couples use emails to communicate instead of text messaging, as this helps to maintain a healthy boundary between them. This gives everyone some time to think before responding.

Some children are immediately comfortable with the transition from one to two homes. Other children need time to adjust. A counsellor may help the child talk about their feelings. This can help each parent be supportive when they talk with their child and each other.

Some children have a hard time transitioning. Parents may assume this is because the child doesn’t want to see or spend time with the other parent. But there may be other reasons why the child is struggling. Maybe they have difficulty transitioning between homes, childcare or school. 

Sharing toys and clothing between the two homes is important. Children need to have their belongings with them when they travel, especially a favourite toy or blanket that provides comfort. Don’t try to control your child’s belongings. Listen to what your child’s needs are at this time and do your best to support the simple ones.

Talk to the child’s care providers to see if there are things you can do to make the transitions easier. Talk to a counsellor to help you and your child if things do not improve.

The Parenting and Support Act (provincial law) applies to couples who have never married, have never lived together, or are married but are separated and not seeking a divorce. It also applies to grandparents and other people in the child’s life.

The Divorce Act (federal law) applies if you are divorcing or divorced.

The words describing parenting arrangements in the Divorce Act changed on March 1, 2021. The new words and their definitions are in the next section.

The words for describing parenting arrangements have changed. The new words focus on relationships with children. The main ones are:

• decision-making responsibility - previously called custody
• parenting time - previously called access

Decision-making responsibility deals with who will make the important decisions about the child’s well-being based on the child’s best interests. These decisions include:

• medical and dental care
• education
• culture, language, religion and spirituality
• extra-curricular activities
• other important decisions.

More than one person may have decision-making responsibility.

Parenting time is when a child is with a parent or person who has a parenting role under an agreement or a court order. It also includes time when the child is not with the parent, like at school or daycare.

Contact covers time the child spends with people who are important to them, but who are not their parents or in a parenting role.

Interaction is direct or indirect connections with a child. Interactions cover things outside of parenting or contact time, like:

• keeping in touch with a child by email, text, phone, letter, or online
• going to a child's school events or outside school activities
• giving or getting gifts from the child
• getting information about a child's health, school and overall well-being, including photos.

You can make parenting arrangements by agreement with the other parent. If you cannot reach an agreement, you can apply to family court. 

Parenting arrangements do not have to be written down. However, some prefer to write a parenting plan covering decision-making responsibility and parenting time.

Other parents who can’t work together (for reasons such as family violence) or who can’t agree on arrangements use the court process to get a parenting order.

A parenting plan describes how parents who are not together will care for and make important decisions about their child. It is a plan for what the parenting arrangements will be.

Parenting arrangements include decision-making responsibility, parenting time, contact or a combination of these.

A parenting plan or parenting order may cover:

• where the child will live
• the time the child will spend with each parent and other important people in their life
• how the child will communicate with one parent when spending time with the other parent
• how the parents will communicate with each other about the child
• each parent’s decision-making responsibilities
• who has the right to ask for and get information about the child’s health education and well-being
• how disputes will be resolved
• rules about relocating with a child

Canada’s Department of Justice has two publications to help parents dealing with a separation or divorce make parenting plans. 

Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, covers a range of topics: 

• parents’ emotions in dealing with separation 
• what the kids may be experiencing when their parents split
• protecting the kids from conflict
• options for putting together the type of parenting plan that may be best in your situation.

The second publication is a Parenting Plan Tool that, together with Making Plans, gives practical guidance, including sample clauses and wording, on issues such as how and who makes decisions about the kids, scheduling parenting time, vacations, childcare and relocations.

Both publications are available in English and French online at:

• Making Plans: canada.justice.gc.ca
• Faire des plans - canada.justice.gc.ca
• parenting plan Tool: canada.justice.gc.ca
• Échantillon de clauses pour un plan parental - canada.justice.gc.ca

You will find a list of other parenting resources under "Ways to Help My Kids" at www.nsfamilylaw.ca.

Also check out Families Change, a great web resource for kids, teens and parents dealing with a family breakup.

Flexible time: There is no set schedule. Parents must agree on the time each one will spend with the child. This allows the parents to make their own flexible arrangements. It works best when the parents get along and have a positive relationship. They work out parenting arrangements around their changing schedules.

Specified time: Parenting times with the child are scheduled in a court order, separation or other written agreement. For example, it may include specific times for picking up and dropping off a child.

A shared parenting arrangement: when the child’s time is shared equally between the parents

Supervised time: Another adult is present during visits for the child’s safety. This arrangement is made if the parents agree or the court believes it is necessary for the child’s safety. The schedule may be set out in a court order, separation or other written agreement.

Supervised time can be set up when a parent has:

• been away for a long time
• anger management problems
• serious mental health or addiction concerns.

Some areas of the province have supervision services, which can be used to supervise parenting time or exchanges (pick-ups and drop-offs). Contact the court office in your area, veithhouse.ns.ca or visit nsfamilylaw.ca for more information.

If the parents cannot agree, either can apply to Family Court to ask a judge to decide. 

The judge may order a Decision-making Responsibility or Parenting Time Assessment, or a Voice of the Child Report for older children. A trained professional prepares the assessment and makes a recommendation to the court. Parents are usually expected to contribute to the cost of the assessment based on their income and number of dependents. Information about assessments is online at nsfamilylaw.ca

In family law, there is no specific age when a child may choose where they will live or when they will spend time with the other parent.  

Each parent has a duty to make sure the child has a relationship with both parents as long as it is safe and in their best interests. Communicating openly with your child about their feelings, including the parenting arrangements, is important. Remember, a child should never be told to choose between their parents or important caregivers.

Judges will listen to what a child has to say about their parenting arrangements when it is appropriate. Older children should have more input than younger children. In court, a child’s views about their parenting arrangements or what is important to them may be shared through a “voice of the child” report. A child’s voice is sometimes shared outside of court during joint counselling sessions. In child protection cases, a child’s voice is often communicated through a litigation guardian (guardian ad litem) who is appointed by the court.

Learn more about a child's voice here and at nsfamilylaw.ca.

When an older child refuses to see the other parent, counselling is the best option for everyone. A counsellor can help the child identify their feelings and help the parents understand why contact is being refused. A counsellor may suggest strategies to help reconnect a parent and child. Parental alienation is very complex. The reasons a child may refuse to see another parent are not always clear, and there are no easy solutions. Experts in this field strongly recommend counselling.

Court orders: Parents have a legal obligation to follow court orders. As a parent, refusing to follow a court order or an agreement could result in a fine or even a change to the parenting arrangement. If a parent refuses to permit court-ordered parenting time, the court may place their children with the other parent.

Talk to a lawyer if your child is refusing parenting time or if you have concerns about the child’s safety with the other parent. You may need to ask the parent to take a break from their scheduled parenting time until the reasons for this are sorted. Or, you may need to make an emergency application to the court to ask a judge to make a new order that will keep your child safe.  Go to nsfamilylaw.ca for information about changing a court order (variation application) and emergency applications to the court.

Judges make decisions about parenting time based on what they think is the best interests of the child

Parenting time is when a child is with a parent or a guardian who has an agreement or a court order. It covers a child's right to visit and have contact with their parents who do not live together. Parents can make their own agreement, or a judge can make an order outlining when parenting time will happen.

Generally, children benefit from a relationship with both parents. Children have a right to spend time with each parent if the contact is safe and reasonable. The law does not say that a child’s time should be shared between the parents. 

Parenting time will only be denied if a judge thinks it will lead to harm. This is rare. Even in very serious cases, judges are more likely to limit parenting time than deny it altogether.  

Family laws in Canada (Divorce Act) and Nova Scotia (Parenting and Support Act) expect parents to make decisions that are in the best interests of the child. Each law lists factors to consider. This is called the “best interests” test. Factors can differ depending on the law that applies to your family’s situation.

When a judge makes a decision about a child, they must always be guided by what is in the child's best interests. Parents or those in a parenting role should use the child's best interests’ criteria when working out arrangements.

Judges must only consider the best interests of the child when they make decisions about the parenting arrangement. Here are some of the factors a judge must look at:

• needs based on the child’s age and developmental stage 
• relationship with each parent
• relationships with siblings, grandparents and other important people in their lives
• care arrangements before the separation
• future care plans
• the child’s views and preferences, if the child is mature enough and if it is appropriate
• cultural, linguistic, religious and spiritual upbringing and heritage
• impact of any family violence.

The judge must also consider each parent’s ability and willingness to:

• care for the child
• support the child’s relationship with the other parent
• co-operate and communicate about parenting issues.

In every case, the court must prioritize the child’s safety, security and well-being. Judges will include all relevant circumstances. They are not limited to only the factors listed. Decisions must be made based on each child’s needs.

Both Acts recognize the importance of hearing from children, if it is appropriate.

If there has been family violence, the judge must look at:

• the nature and frequency of the family violence
• how recently it happened
• how it has harmed the child
• any steps the person causing the violence has taken to stop it from happening again
• whether the violence has affected the ability of the person who caused it to care for and meet the child’s needs
• whether there is a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour
• whether it is appropriate to require co-operation between parents on parenting issues 
• anything else the judge sees as relevant to deciding on the impact of any family violence.

You can learn more about family violence help on Family Violence.

More information about the best interests of the child is on nsfamilylaw.ca.

Both Nova Scotia's Parenting and Support Act and the federal Divorce Act say that a judge must look at the impact of family violence, abuse or intimidation in deciding on a child's best interests.

Family violence includes:

• physical abuse
• sexual abuse
• harassment, stalking
• threats of or causing harm to people, pets and property
• coercive and controlling behaviour
• psychological abuse
• financial abuse.

The behaviour does not have to be a crime to be considered violence under family laws. The judge must look at:

• the type and seriousness of the family violence
• how recently it happened
• how often it happened
• how it has harmed the child
• any steps the person causing the violence has taken to stop it from happening again
• if the family violence affected the ability of the person who caused it to care for and meet the needs of the child
• whether requiring cooperation between parents is appropriate where there has been family violence
• any civil or criminal proceeding, order, condition, or measure that is relevant to the safety, security and well-being of the child
• other important criteria.

In every case, the court must prioritize the child’s safety, security and well-being. Judges will consider all relevant circumstances. They are not limited to these factors because decisions must be based on each child’s needs.

If the other parent abused the child, a judge may deny them time with the child or order supervised parenting based on circumstances and the risk of further abuse.

If the other parent abused you but not the child, the judge will try to make an order that is safe for you. For example, they might order that:

• the other parent has no contact with you
• another person, such as a relative or neighbour, supervises while your child goes with the other parent
• the other parent remains in the vehicle at the curb while you send the child out.

Sometimes this ends the abuse. If the abuse continues, you can ask the court to make an order that the other parent have no time with the child. It is harmful when a child sees a parent abused, even if the child is not abused.

Find out more at www.nsfamilylaw.ca

 

Court applications for parenting arrangements, like decision-making and parenting time, are usually made in the court nearest to where the child lives. The Nova Scotia Supreme Court (Family Division) deals with all family law matters. This includes child protection, parenting (decision-making responsibility, parenting time), child support, spousal support and property division.

All Nova Scotia courts have staff to help you identify what options, programs, and services are available for parents.

Find more information about which court to go to and how to apply to court online at nsfamilylaw.ca

 

Yes. Either parent can apply to have a written agreement or court order changed.

If the parents don't agree on the change, the parent applying to the court must show that change for the child or one of the parents has happened. It must be significant enough to justify a change in the order or agreement. The parent must also show that the proposed change(s) is in the best interests of the child.

Parents may need to review parenting time arrangements as the child grows older. Children outgrow arrangements. What works for a toddler may not work when the child is in elementary school. The arrangement should be reviewed as the child grows.

Teenagers may prefer more flexibility to decide how often they see each parent. There is no specific age when a child can choose which parent they will live with or spend time with. Older children and teens may prefer longer periods with each parent.

Generally speaking, younger children need shorter, more frequent parenting times. They tend to need more routine: for example, to know they spend Wednesdays and every other weekend with the other parent.

More information about changing a parenting arrangement court order is online at nsfamilylaw.ca

You can apply to court to change (vary) your order if circumstances change significantly. Your first step should be approaching your former spouse and trying to reach an agreement.

Agreement on change: If you can agree on a change, you should put it in writing. Review your separation agreement for a section dealing with how to make changes. If there is nothing like that, you must put what you have agreed to in writing. The people who agree to the new terms should then sign it, date it, and have an adult witness each person’s signature and sign it.

You should both get your own legal advice before signing anything.

Disagreement on change: If you are having trouble reaching an agreement, a family mediator may be able to help.

You can apply to the court to vary parenting, child or spousal support arrangements. A court officer may refer your case to a conciliator who works at the courthouse. 

If conciliation is unsuccessful or a conciliator does not cover your issue, the court will refer your case to a judge. They will likely offer you a judge-led settlement conference. This is an opportunity for a judge to assist you in coming to an agreement. If the parties cannot agree, then a trial will be scheduled.

For information about applying to court to vary a court order, go to nsfamilylaw.ca.

It depends on how complicated your application is. If it is a request to increase or reduce child support or to decide on parenting time over summer holidays, it may only take a few months from start to finish. An application to change decision-making responsibility and parenting time from one parent to the other may take a year or longer.

Explain this to a court officer if your situation is an emergency. The court has special procedures for emergencies.

 

• Tips for parenting after separation
• Resolving family law problems without court
• Families Change: a website to help kids, teens and parents deal with a family break-up
• www.nsfamilylaw.ca- general family law information on many topics, including divorce, separation, parenting arrangements, spousal support and child support
• The Department of Justice Canada has more information about family law and the Divorce Act, including fact sheets on: 
  • Parenting Arrangements
  • Divorce and Family Violence
  • Child's Views and Preferences
  • Moving after separation or divorce
  • Duties for parents and others
  • Family Dispute Resolution

  

• Employee assistance programs (EAPs) can offer private personal or couples’ counselling to help you work through difficult times, including working on your relationship. If you have one, contact your EAP to see what is available. You may also have access to your spouse’s EAP. If you do not have an EAP, speak with your healthcare provider or contact 211, 811, or Nova Scotia Mental Health services.
• You can make an appointment to meet with a Nova Scotia Legal Aid Summary Advice Lawyer at the court. You do not have to qualify for Nova Scotia Legal Aid to use this service. The Summary Advice Lawyers provide brief, basic legal advice free of charge. Go to nsfamilylaw.ca/services/getting-legal-advice-finding-lawyer for contact information.
• Contact the Legal Information Society of Nova Scotia to connect with a legal information counsellor and get free legal information.
• Contact Nova Scotia Legal Aid for family law legal information and legal advice.
• Contact a lawyer in private practice (lawyer you would pay) who does family law.